38 For The first time

Tommorow August 5, 2007 I will turn 38 yrs old. By the grace of God I made it this far. I am so fortunate to be alive and relatively healthy.

I think about the wreckage of my past and I have to acknowledge that I am blessed.

In 1998 I was living in Oakland California; I worked for a guy named Bill King. One of his buddies, a crazy redhead, German chess(gun) fanatic named Linger told me. "Dancy, if you make it to forty you are doing something right". It sounded good at the time but as I reflect I realize that survival is not enough.

I have always wanted more but my self esteem told me I could not have it. I am screwed up or I am going to screw it up. I never got in the game because I was scared to play. I always wanted to be 'normal', accepted, liked and valuable. Now I don't care.

I am almost 38 and I am blessed. I thought I would share a few of the moments in time where everything stood still and my very existence hung in the balance.

8yrs old- playing with my sisters friends I end up falling head first down the stairs; I saw white light and was out for a few minutes. Who knows how bad It was.

10yrsold- visiting my grandparents in Utica during the winter we had a blow out on interstate 90. we end up doing four 360's before getting in the emergency lane and actually changing the tire. It was a miraculous act of God that we did not get killed. I vividly remember my mother grasping me and my sister in an impromptu bear hug as the tilt- a -whirl station wagon did its thing. The scariest part was seeing the headlights behind us not knowing how long we were spinning.

8-13yrsold- driving with my father had numbed my nerves to the point of fearlessness. I instinctively gripped armrests and door handles when I sat in the passengers seat. I was in a constant state of 'brace'. To this day I do not enjoy being a passenger. To my father's credit I was eventually able to relax. When I was thirteen he went into recovery. He died sober.

13yrsold- In Richmond California on my way home from school I saw shootout. A big Samoan was shot in the head and chest, he died.

15yrsold- I just bought a fish tank in North Oakland it was getting dark and I had beef with a kid in that neighborhood; he knew I was around, no one else would have shot at me. The scariest part was the whizz of a bullet, it sounds like a fast moving wasp. A bullet tickled my ear that is how I learned what a bullet sounds like zzzzzing.

22yrsold- West side of Chicago I was sitting on the hood of one our friends car, same thing as North Oakland but there were a lot of zzzzings.

The next sixteen years is chock full of action packed incidents that helped strengthen my faith in God.

But the one that stands out the most was March 14, 2005.

I will never forget that day.

She knows what I am talking about